/kat - HA / n. - literary creation
Kung haiku ito
Patnig ay labimpito
Kaso hindi
rondevera | 13MAR2011
Dose anyos pa lang ako nang tayo’y magkakilala
Mabilis tayong naging close sa isa’t isa
Sa lahat ng pagtitipon ay laging nandun ka
Sa fair, acquaintance, JS, at batch night out pa
Kung walang event, tambay na lang sa pagoda
Minsan naman, sa library magti-tiyaga
At ang mga pavillion ay iisa-isahin pa
At minsan (o madalas) sa pink house ang punta
Nguni’t sa dami ng ala-ala, ang tumatak sakin ay iisa
Kaibigan mo nga ako, pero kaibigan ka rin nila
kaya’t walang pisnging papahiran, at luhang pipigilin
walang hikbing itatago, walang lungkot na kikimkimin
Dahil bukas sa bago mong lilipatan
Silang kabataan naman, bagong ala-ala gagawan
Sonetong Alay sa UPIS
rondevera | 06MAR2011
My name is Gina. I am a contractual employee at a textile factory inside the Cavite Economic Zone. I have a 6 month old baby and a husband who works at an electronics factory also inside the Cavite Economic Zone
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My husband is still at work. My baby, does not stay here. I’ve sent her to my mother because I want her to live in a decent house. Besides, my sister also lives here. It is already crowded as it is. This is no place to raise a child.
—-
No don’t worry, you are not the first to notice. There have been more than a couple of other community workers who interviewed us. They are often surprised to find out that I have never been regularized in all my 3 years of being employed.
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One of the community workers who visited me said you could get regularized after working for 6 months. But that can never happen where I work because the longest contract is only good for 5 months.
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Yes, I’ve tried looking for work outside of the economic zone but the offer is too low. The high-paying jobs require a degree which I can’t apply for because I only finished high school. The economic zone is still my best option even if I don’t get mandatory government benefits.
—-
My husband and I do our best to make ends meet. We are able to buy food and send some money to my mother so she can take care of my baby. My husband and I combine our income so we can pay the rent for this little space.
—-
Of course, I have dreams. I used to dream of owning a clothing business. Perhaps it may still come true if I just work hard.
—-
But for now, my dreams have to take the backseat. I need to focus on saving enough money to send my baby to school and put food on the table. It’s my turn to cook today because I’m on an earlier shift than my husband.
—-
My husband is very thin so he is never assigned tasks that require a lot of heavy lifting. He needs a lot of nutritious food. It’s his turn to be nourished because I’ve already recovered from giving birth.
—-
But I’m afraid our income is not always enough. I always tell him to rest because it is not practical to get sick. We are both contractual workers and do not get medical insurance. If he falls ill, our savings would be depleted.
—-
I know things will get better and I know my baby will have a bright future. Why? Because the meek shall inherit the earth.
rondevera | 27FEB2011
(This photo essay has a video version. To see the video, please click here)
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There comes a time in every person’s life when the only way to move forward is by looking back. In my 30th year of existence, and my father’s 20th year of absence, this is exactly what I did. This photo essay is the witness to my journey.
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I was turning 10 when my father disappeared. I wasn’t young enough to pretend I had no idea what was going on. But I wasn’t old enough to completely understand everything either. I found comfort in hiding behind fabricated stories to explain why I was fatherless and eventually got confused about which stories were mine and which ones were reality’s. The most natural thing to do was to conveniently forget. But after 20 years of forgetting, the mind questions and the heart cries out.
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I followed my heart and found myself celebrating my 30th birthday in Bicol. This is where my parents were assigned when I was born. I didn’t expect to find any relatives or family friends but I had never been back here since I was born. I was hoping that by returning to my birthplace, I would be able to connect with my past where my father has indefinitely chosen to stay.
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My mother was the one who told me I was born next to a lake. She told me a lot of stories about my father too. But whenever I stop and think about my father, my whole world slows down and I feel like I’m stuck on shore; never certain if I should completely stop and clam up or head for the ocean and face the turmoil.
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“A hazy postcard,” is how I would describe whatever memory I have of my father. I have no recollection of him spending time to bond with me, or of him telling me stories about my mother. Sometimes I suspect that these memories actually exist but repressing them is my mind’s way of protecting me from the pain of remembering.
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I found the lake and saw a lot of happy faces. Surprisingly, mine was one of them. Perhaps the happiness comes from knowing that I’m a better, more compassionate person because of what happened to my father. I rest in knowing that his disappearance has given me something to fight for, but not necessarily something to be happy about.
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My father’s memories have become more elusive than shadows at high noon. And this, to me, was a frightening thought. When our loved ones die, their remains serve as a reminder of our bond. But when someone is taken away from us, including their body, all we have left are the memories. As I played with the children I had just met, I vowed to myself that I would do everything in my power to keep our memories intact.
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“Head for the ocean and face the turmoil” was obviously what I tried to do by traveling to Bicol. But there was no turmoil. And I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. But there certainly was a resolve, and that is to chase the memories and to keep them alive.
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My mother and I let the sun set on my father’s memory 10 years ago when we held a tribute for him. I never quite understood the event but if I am to revive the memories, I had better understood this whole thing. Starting, of course, with the issues behind the disappearance.
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Ever since my grandparents died, I’ve been spending a lot of time visiting their grave. They would have been a good source of information, not about the disappearance per se, but the memories they had of my parents and more specifically, my father. My grandmother was not a big fan of my parents’ relationship. But her perspective would have put more dimension to whatever I got from my mother.
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Holding a candle with no tomb to put it next to is one of the most painful things to endure. I sometimes settle for placing the candle on my grandparents’ grave. This always makes me feel I am doing injustice to my father. Sometimes I secretly wish that he is safe with my grandparents on other side. But I quickly realize I don’t believe in that concept.
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To this day, the last paragraph of an article I wrote in college still strikes a chord within me:
“Just for tonight, I stop my search for my father. As I light this candle, I think of all the other disappeared and the families they left. My candle is just one of the many candles in the neighborhood lit for lonely wandering souls. But this one is special. This one’s for my father.”
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Even though looking back was painful, it was meaningful. And now, as I turn and look forward. Every sunrise I spend without the father I barely knew is not another day to mourn but another chance to fight. He is not around to sit beside me and appreciate the view but he is certainly in my heart. He is not beside me but when I look over my shoulder, I see hundreds of other families of the disappeared and I rest in knowing that other minds are also questioning, and other hearts are also crying out.
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rondevera | 20FEB2011
I say “I love you.”
The moon deems it sufficient
More words tomorrow
rondevera | 13FEB2011
May hinga’t haplos
Halik, hatak, at yapos
Gabi ay lubos
rondevera | 03FEB2011
Mas mahal na kita ngayon
Kahit ilang kahapon lang
Tila imposible na itong pantayan
Napapangiti tuloy ako
Iniisip ang mga puwedeng mangyari
Upang mas mahalin pa kita bukas
rondevera | 24JAN2011
I love your hands when they slide across my chest to wake me in the morning
I love your fingers when you run them through my hair and mess it up to your liking
I love your hands when you crack my knuckles one at a time
I love your fingers when they point at me in strong accusation
I love your hands when they fly in the air claiming innocence
I love your fingers when they touch mine in tentative apology
I love your hands when they slide across my chest to help me sleep at night
I love your fingers for all the good things they bring and even for all the bad things
But I love your hands the most when they are holding mine
rondevera | 23JAN2011
Mahilig maglaro si Ronda Marami na siyang laruang nakolekta At dahil Biyernes na Bukas makakapaglaro na naman siya Gusto sana niyang laruin ang train set niya Bigay ito ni Mama nung birthday niya Kaya lang may isang problema Magulong nakatambak ito sa kuwarto nila “Ate Tanya, laro tayo bukas ha?” Ang sabi ni Ronda sa ate niya “Anong gusto mong laruin, Ronda?” Ang tanong sa kaniya ni Ate Tanya “Mmmm…piko tayo, puwede ba?” Ang tanong ni Ronda Inalis na niya sa isip niya Ang nakatambak na train set niya “Eh tagu-taguan, ayaw mo ba?” Tanong ng ate ni Ronda “Piko na lang, Ate Tanya” Sagot naman ni Ronda “Eh langit lupa, ayaw mo ba?” Tanong ulit kay Ronda “Hmmm…piko na lang kasi, Ate Tanya” Sagot ulit ni Ronda “Eh yung train set mo, ayaw mo ba?” Tanong ni Ate Tanya “Magulo pa eh, piko na lang, Ate Tanya” Sabi na naman ni Ronda “Oo naman, malakas ka sa’kin, Ronda!” Sagot ni Ate Tanya “Pero ngayon, tulugan na!” At pinatay ni Ate Tanya ang ilaw nila Papikit-pikit na si Ronda Binale-wala ang mga mungkahi ng ate niya Nagpipiko na siya sa isipan niya Hanggang sa siya’y nakatulog na Kinaumagahan, paggising ni Ronda Malakas ang buhos ng ulan sa bubong nila Naluluha na si Ronda Dahil di sila makakapagpiko ng ate niya “Wag kang mag-alala,” bulong ni Ate Tanya “Isip tayo ng ibang magagawa.” At yinakap niya si Ronda Habang kumikidlat sa labas ng bahay nila “Alam ko na!” sigaw ni Ate Tanya “Gawa tayo ng mga bangka!” Napakunot ng noo ang kapatid niya “Bangkang papel, Ronda!” “Hindi ako marunong, Ate Tanya” “Kaya’t tuturuan kita!” At dali-dali ang dalawa Na humanap ng papel sa kuwarto nila Iba’t ibang kulog ang madarama Pero saya lang ang nasa puso ng dalawa Magkakarerahan sila Gamit ang mga bangkang papel nila Papatila na ang ulan nang matapos sila “Ang ganda ng bangka ko, Ate Tanya” Masayang sigaw ni Ronda Ngumiti naman si Ate Tanya, “Sige, halika na!” Umalis na ang ulan pag labas nila Nang malakas na hangin ang bumulaga At tinangay ang mga bangka nila Kaya’t naluha na naman si Ronda “Wag kang mag-alala,” bulong ni Ate Tanya “Isip tayo ng ibang magagawa.” At yinakap niya si Ronda Habang humahangin sa labas ng bahay nila “Alam ko na!” sigaw ni Ate Tanya “Buto’t balat umilipad, Ronda!” Napakunot ng noo ang kapatid niya “Gawa tayo ng saranggola!” “Hindi ako marunong, Ate Tanya” “Kaya’t tuturuan kita!” At dali-dali ang dalawa Na humanap ng materyales sa kuwarto nila Iba’t ibang huni ng hangin ang dinig nila Pero saya lang ang nasa puso nila Magpapataasan ng lipad ang dalawa Gamit ang mga saranggola nila Tuyo na ang damuhan nang matapos sila “Ang ganda ng saranggola ko, Ate Tanya” Masayang sigaw ni Ronda Ngumiti naman si Ate Tanya, “Sige, halika na!” Umalis na pala ang hangin pag labas nila Unti-unting umambon sa paligid nila Hangga’t tuloy-tuloy na naman ang ulan sa bahay nila Kaya’t naluha na naman si Ronda “Wag kang mag-alala,” bulong ni Ate Tanya “Isip tayo ng ibang magagawa.” At yinakap niya si Ronda Habang kumikidlat sa labas ng bahay nila “Alam ko na!” sigaw ni Ate Tanya “Maglinis tayong dalawa!” Napakunot ng noo ang kapatid niya “Ang train set mo, Ronda!” “Hindi ko kaya mag-isa, Ate Tanya” “Kaya’t tutulungan kita!” At dali-dali ang dalawa Na pumunta sa kuwarto nila Iba’t ibang kulog ang madarama Pero saya lang ang nasa puso ni Ronda Malalaro na niya ang train set niya Buti na lang may Ate Tanya siya Papatila na ang ulan nang matapos sila “Salamat po, Ate Tanya” Masayang sigaw ni Ronda Ngumiti naman si Ate Tanya, “Sige, halika na!” Maglalaro na sana sila Nang tawagin sila ni Papa “Tama na muna yan, kain na!” Sigaw ni Papa mula sa kusina Masayang inubos ni Ronda ang pagkain niya Pagtapos nito, sa pagtulog ay naghanda na siya At dahil Sabado pa lang pala Bukas makakapaglaro pa rin siya Nakahiga na si Ronda sa kaniyang kama Nag-aayos na ng unan at kumot niya Ipipikit na niya ang kaniyang mga mata Nang tanungin siya ni Ate Tanya “Anong lalaruin natin bukas, Ronda?” “Hmmm, sana puwede nang piko!” Sagot ni Ronda “Pano kung umulan?” Tanong ni Ate Tanya “Bangkang papel!” Sagot niya “Pano kung malakas ang hangin?” Tanong ng ate niya “Saranggola!” Sagot ni Ronda Ipinikit na ni Ronda ang mga mata Nang mayron siyang maalala Hindi sila nakapagpiko ng ate niya Pero paggawa ng bangkang papel ay natutunan niya Marunong na siyang gumawa ng saranggola At malinis na rin ang train set sa kuwarto nila Tumayo’t lumapit sa ate si Ronda “Ate, salamat sa paglinis ng train set ko ha?” “At sa pagturo kung pano gumawa ng saranggola” “At bangkang papel din pala!” “Syempre, malakas ka sa’kin, Ronda!” Yinakap ni Ronda si Ate Tanya At sinabi sa kaniya “Pero ngayon, tulugan na!” At pinatay ni Ronda ang ilaw nila rondevera | 15JAN2011
dinumog ang katahimikan ng bawat sandali
sinantabi ang gaspang ng pagbabakasakali
upang hamunin ang bango’t liwanag ng pangalan
at hasain ang tatag ng dunong at kakayahan
nakisiksik sa bawat sulok ng mayamang diwa
hinimay ang makulimlim na mga alaala
upang maabot itong mailap na pagsang-ayon
at lubusan nang yapusin ang pait ng kahapon
bukod sa’king puso’y sinakop mo din ang isipan
lagpas pa sa pag-ibig ang inambag mong samahan
kaya nama’y ngumingiti na ang bawat umaga
kung harapin ang gabi, di lamang tapang ang dala
huhusay na dahil sa’yo, ang hugis ng ulirat
pati na rin pagkatao, sa bukas kong pagmulat
rondevera | 09JAN2011
